If there was a candidate for the most unlikely person to do a juice cleanse or any kind of ‘detox’ it is me. Self-deprivation isn’t something I subscribe to, ever, at all. I’ve never been on a diet nor do I put myself through any sort of punishing exercise routine. All those things, plus the fact that I have a complete and utter obsession with food, means that the thought of going nil by mouth (solids-wise) was almost entirely inconceivable for me… until now.
Juicytox are a local (Plumpton based) company who use local fruit and veg suppliers which are literally a stone’s throw from my office. Here’s what Rob, Director of Juicytox has to say about the cleanse: “The main reason for our cleanse is to give your digestion system a complete break which enables the juice to hit the right places quicker than if you were to digest it. As its in juice form it’s also easier to consume than if it were on a plate (celery, spinach, kale and your nemesis the beetroot) I’m not an advocate as selling this as a ‘detox’ as I think that’s quite a controversial word and misleading for some people. This is a 4 day cleanse which can bring wonderful results.”
He contacted me after reading my blog as he was interested to see how someone so clearly obsessed with food would deal with one of his juice cleanses, and whether or not I want to do one free of charge. He also made it quite clear that he had read a number of my posts (gulp) and was keen to see how I would review his product. I read his email, rolled my eyes and filed it under ‘I’ll think about it later’.
I’ve been aware that people do this sort of thing, obviously, but it certainly wasn’t anything I’d ever considered doing myself… until I did consider it, and found myself typing out an email back to Rob, agreeing to do their premium 4 day juice cleanse the following week. Because I unusually had no food commitments those days, and because, well, there’s no time like the present.
Mmm mmm, a 9am shot of pure, pressed ginger to replace my usual, vat of tea and rye toast with crunchy peanut butter (and butter). If you’re ok with ginger then this is going to be a breeze for you, but if you don’t, well, it’s over quicker than the rest.
I had two of these a day at 10am and 4pm, and they definitely weren’t my favourite. The predominant tastes, for me, were kale and cucumber with an aftertaste of celery- not ideal, coinciding with both the arrival of the woman who sells bacon sandwiches in our office each morning, and the 4pm ‘slump’ experienced by most office workers. Watching all my colleagues chow down on Haribo while I supped on that was a pretty tough to take though.
I didn’t expect to hate this one as much as I did, but I really did. The overriding flavour was the carrot and the ginger, and I didn’t like it. By day 4 I had come to accept it, but you certainly won’t find me whizzing up a similar concoction in my Breville activ blend any time soon. Not for me.
If I had a favourite of the five bottles it’d be a toss up between this and the cashew mylk. The lemonade reminded me of the still, cloudy kind you get from M&S, but with a slightly gritty texture from the activated charcoal in it.
Beetroot: my nemesis, my most hated thing. This was the one that I was dreading the most, but ended up disliking less than the green or the Orange juices, which is weird, as that purple, earthy tasting little root is a flavour I object to almost universally.
(I took this photo from their FB page as I clearly had a mental block against the evil purple and didn’t take my own photo).
I don’t do soya milk, or almond milk, or any kind, other than the stuff that is squeezed* from cows. I’m a traditionalist and I don’t want anything else in my ice cream or Yorkshire tea. Anyway, I digress. Rob described it as; my bedtime treat, at the time I loled and rolled my eyes, but I enjoyed it, and by day 3 was practically looking forward to it.. I’ve never felt more Brightonian. Oh, and I really loathe the spelling.
*Side note: what was the guy who discovered actual milk doing!?!
I grilled Rob about this as I was deeply suspicious of any side effects that might have come from knocking a mug of this back. I drank 2 of the 4 bags, I was drinking so much water that I wasn’t bothered about not having all the tea, and the taste was so grim I didn’t really feel I was missing much.
So that’s that, 6 bottles one shot and a cup of tea a day. Rob told me that some people bosh all the juices in the day and go out on the lash and for supper in the evening… wtf.
So why did I do it? Lots of reasons actually; I’d eaten out 8 times in 8 days, the week I was approached by juicytox, my jeans felt tight, my skin wasn’t looking great and I just felt pretty sluggish (such a gross word) in general. My motivation wasn’t around weight loss at all, temporary loss was tobe expected, I was just keen to see if I could actually survive it!
Lots of people have had a lot to say about me doing a juice cleanse; why would someone who is size 8-10 do such a thing? That detoxes are a myth, how unhealthy it sounds, how one must eat solids in order to feel well, etc etc. Some were more passive aggressive in their approach and but most were fascinated, grilling me for info, urging me to tell them every detail. I’ve even had three people I don’t know ask me about my, number twos… I thought about including that in the diary bit of this post, but, no, it’s too vulgar. Just know that I had no significant Challenges in a lavatorial sense.
I decided I would just keep a diary every day of what was going through my mind and what the highs, lows and side effects were, they’re in bullet points below which I added to throughout the day, they get less detailed the more resigned to it I become. It does become easier once you start thinking about the psychology behind it, plus daily encouraging emails from Rob too.
So yes, below is the real time workings of my mind whilst under extreme pressure.. oh god.
NB I haven’t put a photo of my scales up to be a dick, I did it because I know that ultimately, that is what people are interested in, the weightloss. I toyed with the idea of skin and body shots, but no, the scales will have to do.
- Weight: 56.5 kilos
- I feel weird. I feel hungry. Is this what self deprivation feels like? Do people actually enjoy it?
- Everyone is taking every possible opportunity to taunt me and eat food in front of me. Thankfully the ‘treat table’ in the office isn’t stocked up.
- I always stick at challenges- which is why I hardly ever challenge myself, because IT SUCKS.
- What is on my mind: cauliflower cheese, burgers, celery sticks with crunchy peanut butter, sausage rolls, Thai food and hot buttered toast.
- It felt gritty against my teeth, but the charcoal lemon one was actually the best tasting of them all.
- I HATE the orange one.
- Never mind a juice cleanse, there’s going to be a cleanse of every annoying person in my life if I feel like this for the remaining four days.
- Dreading the tea and the beetroot juice- the latter is going to hurt.
- Actually vaguely looking forward to the cashew mylk- god, even that spelling is annoying me.
- I NEVER smoke at work but had to smoke two cigarettes
- Chewing gum helps, a little bit, gives jaws something to do and takes away the taste of goodness- bleurgh.
- Water intake: painful
- Trips to the loo: countless (will keep count tm)
- Everyone thinks I am insane/attention seeking/body dysmorphic.
- Brilliant sleep
- Energy levels are fine
- Feeling less stabby.. (UPDATE: no I don’t)
- Rob came to see me today for a little pep talk and drop off my other juices. He says-I’m not hungry, that I just want to eat. I say- whatever, this is torture. I’ve got to hand it to the guy though, he has been pretty much bang on in everything he said about how I would find the process. I think he regretted asking a passing colleague about my mood though, ha.
- Things on my mind: Pret ham & egg baguettes, salted pistachios, ice-cream sundaes, spaghetti carbonara, a bacon sandwich, everything from Sugardough, Coca cola, chocolate hobnobs, sushi and asparagus with soft boiled duck’s egg.
- Just had the almond mylk, the spelling of that is still making me feel annoyed too.
- Had the dentist, actually a positive result which improved my slightly jaded mood a lot.
- I don’t trust the tea, rob says it’s not a laxative but I’m not so sure. I shared a bed with someone who drank a laxative tea before bed and let’s just say it was not a restful night’s sleep.
- I’ve had 17 wees, soon to be 18 (sorry).
- Skin is looking terrible, really bad… great.
- I really want to eat something. I feel annoyed, about most things
- Food that’s been on my mid: Fried breakfast, soup and crusty bread, tacos, brownies, macaroni cheese and tomato and mozzarella salad, mozzarella en carroza, Nutella.
- Still loads of energy and I definitely feel thinner.
- Really really hectic day, mini crisis at lunchtime made me want to eat, made me realist that Rob probably was right about whether I’m actually hungry or I just want to eat out of habit… Oh.
- Less weeing, this is good as am getting to know my colleagues lavatory routines a little too intimately. Awkward.
- That tea is rank.
- Found myself looking forward to the cashew mylk again and borderline enjoyed my 2pm charcoal lemonade.
- Cannot believe I have gone three days without eating, so proud of myself.
- How am I actually on to day 4 of not eating. Am feeling infuriatingly chipper too.
- Asleep before BBCQT had even finished and slept through until 8am
- Woke up really easily.
- 55kg exactly in the morning and when I left the office.
- Less irritable today, positively perky in fact. But my spots look baaaad.
- I got handed an actual kebab by someone unaware of my plight, turning that down hours before the challenge pushed me to the absolute brink.
- By 11pm I felt victorious, genuinely, pathetically pleased with myself.
The next day I woke up about 10am, headed to Sugardough bakery and ate all the cake and pies, then I had a Wolfies full on fish & chip dinner. I haven’t touched Coca Cola since, but I haven’t had a hangover, yet…
Here’s what Rob had to say about my cleanse:
In terms of the 4 days you’ve done really well so I do hope you’re extremely proud of yourself. I know it’s been difficult for you but I hope waking up with today’s results and how you feel justify the last 4 days. The way I look at the experience is I think that if you’ve seen some of the results below then it’s been a worthwhile experience;
- more energy (y)
- weightloss (y)
- better sleep (y)
- reduced bloating (y)
- clearer skin
- better hair
- improved vision
- clearer thinking (y)
- inch loss/flat stomach (y)
- a general feeling better about yourself (y)
There’s 10 results there so if you can vouch for 5 or more then it’s been worth it I think. I’m a little disappointed your skin didn’t clear up but coming out in spots can happen (toxins being released from the system) so try carry on with the lemon water and you might find that it does improve early next week. From a personal point, I’d like to thank you for taking part in the cleanse and for sticking to it. I’ve found it a pleasure working with you and it was lovely to meet you this week.
The above offer is 10% off so if you see this after it’s expired the prices are £89 and £79.
My thoughts and conclusions on the juicytox juice cleanse:
This post is already a monster so I’ll keep it brief. I marked the list above with a letter y against all of the ones that applied to me, and as you can see, it’s a pretty impressive resume. My skin was an issue, but it’s a problem anyway and it has cleared up this week, and it is very much down to my hormones too (sorry boys).
It was a complete and utter wildcard of an experiment, and it’s been fascinating, and has tested my minerals in a way that hasn’t happened since the last time I gave up smoking. It has made me think differently about my eating habits and my appetite has reduced since doing it. I was expecting to get some wicked headaches, but not a single one.
There was a dicey moment with some bad thoughts about salted cashew peanut butter and a spoon, but I resisted. Other than that, I was pretty resolute. Go hard or go home. If you are going to do it, do it, don’t be half-arsed about it, and don’t cheat either. I did, and still do feel proud of myself for sticking at it. It definitely wouldn’t be for everyone though, I think doing it so publicly coupled with being stubborn, was what got me through, either way, I’ m really glad I did it.
Would I do it again? If I piled on the pounds or was required to be in a bikini at short notice- absolutely. Would I recommend it? Absolutely. But if you’re in a relationship where moodswings would be a serious problem, I suggest a little sabbatical for four days, it’s for your own good.
I hope I have covered everything in this post and LOTS of you have already contacted me about it by Twitter and Facebook, but I’m happy to answer any questions you have.