My 2015 Juicytox juice cleanse was the first time I’d ever done anything
even close to going on a diet, nevermind a fast, so it will forever be etched into my memory (as well as those of my poor colleagues who had to tolerate my incessant whining).
Fast forward nine months and a message
landed in my inbox from Mr Juicytox himself, Rob, letting me know that he was
launching a new ‘platinum cleanse’ and that he wasn’t going to let another
blogger touch it until ‘his favourite had’ – the flatterer…. Once again I filed
it under ‘hmmmm, maybe in a few months’ and sure enough, after a gluttonous few
weeks, I found myself agreeing to go ‘nil’ by mouth for four days, again.
I was given a lot of shit the last time I
did this; ‘you don’t need to lose weight’ ‘these things are just a fad’ ‘why on
earth would you do such a thing?!’ so I did my best to explain all of the whys,
wherefores and all of the details of this juice cleanse (not detox) in my absolute monster of a write up. Rather than repeat
myself on some of the finer points, check that one out.
The beginners guide to how NOT to prepare for a juice cleanse
Stockpiling carbs, caffeine and sugar then getting absolutely hammered on strong beer, the
night before embarking on a liquid-only diet was not my brightest
Rob had actually told me about someone who’d done one of his cleanses straight off the back of a
heavy night out, and we’d a laugh and joke about it… I was laughing on the
other side of my face the next morning, when the room was spinning and the only
thing I had to comfort my churning stomach with was a carrot juice spiked with turmeric, not to mention the walk of shame through my whatsapp ‘cringe call’ list…
In my last review I did a breakdown of what was in each of my juices, but Rob’s now kindly produced infographics of the ingredients and juicing schedule, so I don’t have to! As with last time I’ve just bullet-pointed my thoughts throughout the days, I haven’t held back!
- I’m fucking hungover.
- I just want to eat carbs, and fat, and fat on carbs.
- I had a hair appointment after a morning of hugging porcelain, my hair looks great, I do not.
- The orange one is as rank as you’d imagine.
- I nearly cried over how cute a sausage dog was (probs cos I want to eat some sausages)
- I can’t even distract myself with Instagram and Twitter because it’s full of amazing looking food.
- Annoying message from someone i did not want to hear from nearly sent me running to the fridge, so I smoked two cigarettes and had a little weep instead.
- It’s a truly sad day when you’re looking forward to your 7pm cashew and cacao milk, I even quite liked the fact it was bitty (cacao nibs) as it gave it some texture.
Weight middle of day 2…
- The caffeine withdrawal is horrific – shaking/headache/shoulder ache. I wasn’t a full on addict the last time I did this and I am veering between fantasising about my next hit of glorious coffee and seriously considering never letting another drop pass my lips, so I never have to suffer like this ever again.
- The orange one didn’t taste as bad today and the pink one is actually nice.
- I’ve just borrowed scales from my mum so can track weight loss/ body fat %
- Mum just gave my belly side-eye and said ‘would be good if this juice cleanse got rid of that, wouldn’t it’. CHEERS MUM.
- I had the most amazing sleep after having boundless energy all day.
- I am highly irritable.
- I HATE HERBAL TEA.
- I’ve smoked lots.
- My headache has gone and I am sooooo grateful
- I absolutely nailed a job interview.
- My skin is looking clear, which I’m thrilled about, it went to shit last time,
- Someone complimented me on the brightness of my eyes.
- I’ve just had some fantastic news and I WANT TO EAT SOMETHING SO MUCH I COULD CRY.
- I’ve lost weight, it feels good, but Kate Moss is a massive liar.
- I feel great and scarily perky.
- I’m craving coffee, Chinese food and donuts.
- It really is a total headfuck.
- I haven’t killed anyone
- No headache
- All I can focus on is plotting what I’m going to eat tomorrow. I’m thinking Pizza500 and ramen.
- Despite having grand plans about distracting myself with catching up on my blog writing, it turns out I can’t write about food whilst obsessing about it
- Great sleep
- My stomach hasn’t been this flat since my last juice cleanse.
- Still can’t get over how unpleasant the caffeine withdrawal was.
Final weigh in
How did it compare to last time?
It’s weird because in a way it wasn’t as bad as my original cleanse because I knew what was coming (I loathe surprises) but that was part of what made it so horrendous too, the build up in my mind.
I can hold my hands up and say, that despite sticking to it, I didn’t take it as seriously as last time and I was almost immediately back on the fizzy drinks after – sad face.
Don’t go out and get drunk the night before – that was a ridiculous thing for me to have done, I would’ve happily let someone kill me the next day and it put me in the wrong frame of mind for the whole thing. If you’re a hardcore caffeine addict, then definitely wean yourself off it in advance of your cleanse because a withdrawal headache is the last thing you need on top of raging hunger pangs and irritability!
Would I recommend it?
Definitely. If you are looking to kickstart a weightloss plan, lose a few pounds in advance of an event or holiday, give an overloaded system ‘a break’ or just help break a cycle of bad food-related habits – it’s well worth giving it a go.
I would like to make myself crystal clear though, I am not a nutritionist, nor am I qualified in advising people on how to lose weight. As with all of my reviews this is my opinion, based on my own experience, and long term weight loss/maintenance/management is only ever possible by striking the right balance between diet, and exercise, for you.
Would I do it again?
Never say never… I would definitely follow the preparation ‘rules’ if I did though
What did I eat when it was over?
EVERYTHING (see a small snapshot, below)
Oh and some MEATliquor bingo wings, fried pickles and a lot of cocktails may have accidentally fallen into my mouth too….
How much does it cost?
They still don’t have a website, it’s annoying and I have complained endlessly to Rob about it, to no avail, so if you are keen to do a Juicytox juice cleanse, then it’s best to contact him via their Facebook page.
Have you ever done a juice cleanse? Have my experiences made you want to try it or put you off entirely?! Post in the comments section or on my social media (links below).
*any meals which were free of charge are clearly stated or marked with an asterisk, you can read my full disclaimer here.